it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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