The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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