that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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