You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
