When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
