I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
