I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
