This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
