i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
