I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
