sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
this is an emotional support booty call
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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