I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
