I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
