I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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