ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
