you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
