Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
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So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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