I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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