The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
