Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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