She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
