Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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