kristin has been a bad kristin
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
