Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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