Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
