It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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