Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
