i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
