i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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