I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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