It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
