Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
