you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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