I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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