Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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