I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just high enough for therapy.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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