Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
