____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
