Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
