I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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