Don't make out with my wife yet
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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