evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
