even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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