well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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