she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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