Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
