I wannas sexs uuuuu
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There r osticjed everywhere
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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