have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
