apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
