woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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