This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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