There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
