I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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