I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
