i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
