It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
