I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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