He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
