Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
