Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
